Cosmic Joke?

Since Valentine’s Day I’ve been wondering if the romantic area of my life has been the brunt of some cosmic joke. The next couple of sentences will give you a small glimpse of what I mean. Getting text messages from the man I turned down about the man I turned him down for asking if everything was okay between the man I turned him down for and myself. Writing back and forth with my first serious crush (3 years long) on that same day catching up as friends. Going on something that kind of turned out to be a date on Sunday after thinking a bunch of people were going to go out for a nice afternoon in D.C. It ended up being just myself and that other friend. Hanging out with another friend Monday night to find out that he had feelings for me not too long ago and it looks like they still might be there. Getting a call yesterday from another someone who barely knows me asking me out for dinner to later disclose that he “liked” me after my telling him that I didn’t think dinner was a good idea. He asked me to pray about things and for a variety of reasons there’s no need to pray about it. “I’m sorry, but no.” It all leaves me wondering, what the heck?

To the average person, this may seem fun and maybe entertaining. But, I don’t. It seems like every time I get comfortable in being single, men just seem to come out of nowhere. Feelings get unearthed and/or romantic opportunities are wanting to be explored. There are two reasons why this bothers me at present. One, I am genuinely interested in only one man. He knows who he is, but for some reason or another wants to see other people while dating. I’m not okay with that and do feel hurt that he would think I would be okay with that given how much he knows about my past and how long he’s known me and had feelings for me. My heart is incredibly sensitive and I would have hoped for something different given our circumstances of mutual interest and the length of time that interest has been there. The second reason why other men showing interest bothers me is that I don’t think there’s any real chance and I hate to say no and be blunt about my lack of romantic feelings for them. And I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t want to date anyone who doesn’t have the potential for a long and possibly life long future with me. The whole “go on date and let him down easy” is especially not appealing now. And I’m not in the practice of leading anyone on, nor have I ever been.

It feels like I’m in the middle of some joke with all the unnecessary romantic attention coming from the wrong people. Not to mention how the only person I would date wants to see other people and doesn’t seem to want to make time to hang out if it isn’t a date by his definition. I wonder if on that last note, the Irish stubbornness is rearing its little red head. Yeah, we both have Irish blood running through us. Go figure...

So if I was up for games, there are a lot of people I could be dating all at the same time. But that's just not me; it never has been nor will it ever be. I truly value my heart and the hearts of others which means not leading them on at all. Such integrity seems to have been lost and/or extremely rare. I thought that I had finally found someone with the same integrity, but maybe that was just a myth. Only time will really tell.