Things that Slide

Back in mid August, I had rejoined a site that I had taken a break from for a number of months due to some convictions that I needed to deal with. Since it's no longer taboo - not that I totally care about what is "taboo" or not - I'll tell you here what I've been partaking in. A dating site! Ha, I said it.

The reason why I first joined was probably similar to the reason that many join such sites. We're all looking for someone we can be loved and understood by that we can give the same love and understanding back to. It's not that there is a lack of attractive and intelligent people in the DC and Annapolis areas. And it's not that there's a lack of being asked out. But, I've never believed in dating for the sake of dating. Not to mention, there has to be more than physical attraction and intelligence to someone. There has to be faith, genuine faith, that I can mutually share with someone. So finding the right combination of things has been an interesting pursuit. And just so you know, the site I joined was faith-based; so I thought that would help narrow things down. It's been a interesting and very useful filter to have.

So in the midst of this online dating, I've learned A LOT! I've probably learned more about people and dating through this site in the short period of time that I've been using it than I did in the two and half years of being engaged. In hind site, I think God has saved me from a lot of bad circumstances and people. Or even good people that just weren't "it"--not that I actually know all the specifics of what is "it."

But, I have gained a greater understanding of what is not "it." Part of this came through someone visiting from the South West. It's not the revelation was new, it was just a good and deeper reminder of some things that cannot be negotiated with. I found myself accepting things that I shouldn't have to deal with. For example, a couple days before he made the trek out to the east coast, I found a photography site of his that had some slightly pornographic pictures on it. How did I find it? Well, a sweet e-mail he'd sent me had his old photography business info. on it. So I thought, "Cool, maybe he has a site with more of his work on it. Most photographers do." I had known pornography was something that he'd wrestled with before and had been "apparently" walking in freedom from. But when I found this, I was furious. They weren't just pictures he'd seen, they were ones he'd taken. I almost told him not to come and cut it off then. But after we talked, things were fine and he removed the pictures from the site. On the side of grace, I figured we all have one thing we wrestle with more than others. You know, that one sin that we can't seem to kick that comes back to haunt us with a vengeance once we thought we've gotten over it. I thought, if his is pornography and he's genuinely wanting to be free from it, I'd much rather walk with him through that than with someone who has serious anger issues or other stuff. But when he came, I saw him try to discreetly check-out other women and take a lot of what I did for granted. This is certainly not all of it, but I'll refrain from continuing to write all the wrongs. I don't want to turn this into a man bashing vent and I don't want to slander him. I genuinely do love and respect men and am against anything that tries to emasculate or put them down. So please, don't take my writing this as any attempt to slander or put down men.

My point is this... I found myself looking over a lot more than I should have. The things I forgave and accepted as water under the bridge became too much and in a short time became repeated offences. And I won't be as arrogant to say that I feel like God "saved" me from a bad man or relationship. I just think He protected me from a load I was never meant to carry. And before ever meeting this man from the South West, God had taken almost a year in teaching me how to guard my heart. So I can honestly say that I'm not mad, sad, or even really hurt. Truly, I'm not. It's just one of those things that I can say I totally understand now why things would never work, though in the middle of it all things seemed a little hazy. It's only until you step back and look at all the things you let slide and realize that all those little things amount to one huge pile of "stuff."