Yesterday was one of sack cloth and ashes among other things, I thought it might be once I put on my black linen dress as I went to church in the morning. For most of the day I grieved over my broken engagement to Antoine--the only man I can say I've ever truly loved. I never really gave myself enough time to really process everything since last summer, and it's all just crept-up on me in the past month. Had I given myself enough space and time afterwards, things would be much different now. Well after the morning service, I talked with two pastors and an older brother figure seeking guidance and prayer. I heard a really encouraging testimony of how God helped a couple to reclaim their marriage after a time of separation and was given quite a few words of godly advice by all three men.
As I mentioned before in an entry I wrote a while back, I'm at a point where I just need some spirit filled brothers. No romantic stuff, no weird vibes, just brothers seeking the Lord. He's placed a lot of sisters in my life and I love them dearly, but brothers are needed too. I'm not really willing or ready to really interact with any man that doesn't fall within the parameters of friend and brother in Christ. Romantically, I've only heard from God about one man and that is only in His hands and His timing.
But back to my main point. Guidance and prayer. While I was talking with the youth pastor I volunteer with, he said something that just stuck with me until I met with Antoine in the afternoon to talk. "You just need to make it to 3:00." He knew that I didn't know exactly how to go about things or what exactly to say other than that Antoine and I just needed to talk and be real. As a quick side note, I talked with a good friend this morning and she said she and another friend of mine had been praying for the two of us from 3:00 until 3:30. Neither of them knew he and I were going to talk yesterday. Thank you ladies :)
When we met, he was about 40 min. late, but heck what's 40 min. when you've been wanting/waiting to talk with someone for weeks? The conversation went, well uh... not too great. I didn't cry during it and was actually able to talk without sobbing so that's a small little victory. The question that arose was if God had changed His mind. This came up when I brought up a vision that Antoine had when we first met and asked if he believed it was from God. It was a vision of me and God said that I was his wife. The question of if God had changed His mind was something I had wondered when I initially broke things off without looking at the deeper issue of my doubt. More specifically, doubting God in that area of my life. What a fatal mistake... I realize I'm paying for it now. Another thing that stands out is what he said later on that evening, "my love for you will never change." It's not that I didn't hear everything else he had to say after the "but" he placed after the quote above. I am living my life without him for Him. My heart is set upon God. And he (Antoine) will initiate contact when he's ready. I say this just to touch on a few points.
All the visions, dreams, and scriptures given from Him concerning the future with Antoine lay at God's feet. God is sovereign and His will is perfect as well as His timing. I will not arouse love until it so desires... And I will not be surprised if He crosses our paths eternally.
My time of doubt and mistrusting God is and has been over. He's calling me to walk on water and through fire... And I am walking.
No comments:
Post a Comment